O fetita se uita pe gaura cheii in camera parintilor. La un moment dat exclama: "Si cand te gandesti ca pe mine vor sa ma duca la psihiatru pentru ca-mi sug degetul!"
La un targ international, standul romanesc, s-a nimerit sa fie vecin cu standul japonez. In delegatia romaneasca erau numai olteni.In fiecare dimineata japonezii se sculau la ora 5. Faceau curat si trbaluiau pana noaptea tarziu. Oltenii se sculau la pranz si-o tineau tot intr-o petrecere. Intr-o buna zii un oltean intreaba un japonez: -Ba ochienatule, de ce munciti ba, voi toata ziua ca niste draci? Japonezul:Muncim pentru Japonia.Dar voi de ce va sculati la pranz si-o tineti tot intr-o petrecere ? Olteanulentru ca pe noi ne doare-n cur de Japonia.
Bancuri
Deodata, desi pe jumatate adormita, ea simti mangaierile lui. La inceput timide, ca si cum i-ar fi fost rusine. Apoi, mangaierile devenira mai indraznete. Mai mult, si mai mult, pe tot corpul ei, mainile lui se plimbau cu nesat asa cum se intimpla... nu-si aducea aminte exact, cam cu 4-5 ani in urma. Senzatii pe care le credea uitate se intorceau. Memoria sentimentelor era vie, si o ajuta sa raspunda la fel. Mangaierile se ingramadeau, se repetau, el o invaluia, o intorcea. Acum era ca un virtej de senzatii de nedescris. Deodata... nimic. Absolut nimic.- Ce s-a intimplat? intreaba ea, surprinsa. Te rog, nu te opri, mai vreau!- Shhhh... incerca el sa o linisteasca, gata, am terminat!- Cum adica ai terminat??? - Gata, am gasit telecomanda, dormi linistita!...
Servitoarea vine fasneata la stapana casei si-i cere o marire de salariu.
-Dar ce-ai facut tu draga sa meriti o marire de salariu, intreba aceasta iritata!
-Pai calc mai bine decat dumneavaoastra!
-Da??!! Cine ti-a zis asta?
-Sotul dumneavoastra!
-Si gatesc mai bine decat dumneavoastra?
-Da??!! Cine ti-a zis asta?
-Sotul dumneavoastra!
-Si fac sex mai bine decat dumneavoastra!
-Cine ti-a zis asta??? Sotul meu??, urla furioasa la culme stapana casei.
-Nu doamna. Asta mi-a spus-o gradinarul!
-Dar ce-ai facut tu draga sa meriti o marire de salariu, intreba aceasta iritata!
-Pai calc mai bine decat dumneavaoastra!
-Da??!! Cine ti-a zis asta?
-Sotul dumneavoastra!
-Si gatesc mai bine decat dumneavoastra?
-Da??!! Cine ti-a zis asta?
-Sotul dumneavoastra!
-Si fac sex mai bine decat dumneavoastra!
-Cine ti-a zis asta??? Sotul meu??, urla furioasa la culme stapana casei.
-Nu doamna. Asta mi-a spus-o gradinarul!
Se organizeaz? un concurs pentru a vedea care este cel mai iste?, cel mai abil, cel mai destept etc. pre?edinte. Se prezinta la concurs Bush, Putin si B?se ?i li se spune tema: intr-o hal? sunt 500.000 papagali?e si un papagal. Fiecare trebuie s? intre si s? prind? papagalul. Intr? primul Bush, incepe o h?rmalaaaaie mare acolo, chir?il?????? pe p?s?ri, nenorocire! St? ?sta ?n?untru, st???, st??? …. nu mai iesea. Dupa vreo 2 ore de nenorocire iese Bush, plin de g?ina?, cu p?rul v?lvoi, obosit mort ?i cu o pas?re in m?n? si zice:
- ?sta e!
Se uita juriul sub coada si zice:
- Nu e ?sta, e papagali??!
Intra Putin, sta si ?sta vreo ora, tot harmalaaaaie, urgie etc. Iese mai repede, dup? vreo or?, mizerabil tot, cu o pas?re in m?n? si zice:
- ?sta e!
Se uita juriul sub coada si zice:
- Nu e ?sta, e papagali??!
Intr? ?i B?se, ?i deodat? se las? lini?tea ?n hal? ?i dup? vreo 30 de secunde iese cu o pas?re in m?n? si zice:
- ?sta e!
Se uita juriul sub coada si zice:
- ?sta e, domne!
?ilal?i doi se holbau t?mpi?i ?i ?ntreab?:
- Cum dracu ai reu?it, m??
- P?i, zice B?se, am intrat ?n?untru am f?cut doi pa?i, m-am oprit ?i am strigat “S? tr?i?i bine!” ?i ?n lini?tea care s-a l?sat l-am v?zut pe g?ozarul ?sta c?nd a zis:
- Du-te-n pu .. a mea!
- ?sta e!
Se uita juriul sub coada si zice:
- Nu e ?sta, e papagali??!
Intra Putin, sta si ?sta vreo ora, tot harmalaaaaie, urgie etc. Iese mai repede, dup? vreo or?, mizerabil tot, cu o pas?re in m?n? si zice:
- ?sta e!
Se uita juriul sub coada si zice:
- Nu e ?sta, e papagali??!
Intr? ?i B?se, ?i deodat? se las? lini?tea ?n hal? ?i dup? vreo 30 de secunde iese cu o pas?re in m?n? si zice:
- ?sta e!
Se uita juriul sub coada si zice:
- ?sta e, domne!
?ilal?i doi se holbau t?mpi?i ?i ?ntreab?:
- Cum dracu ai reu?it, m??
- P?i, zice B?se, am intrat ?n?untru am f?cut doi pa?i, m-am oprit ?i am strigat “S? tr?i?i bine!” ?i ?n lini?tea care s-a l?sat l-am v?zut pe g?ozarul ?sta c?nd a zis:
- Du-te-n pu .. a mea!
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
•There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
•Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
•Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
•In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
•When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
•Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
•Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
•When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
•Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
•Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
•Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
•Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
•If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen
•There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
•Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
•Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
•Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
•When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
•Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
•Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.
•Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.
•Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
•Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
•Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
•If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
•Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.
•Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
•Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
•Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
•Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
•Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
•Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
•Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
•Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.
•If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
•Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
•There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.
•Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
•Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.
•Chuck Norris has never had a surprise birthday party. He can NEVER be surprised. EVER.
•Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.
•Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident....and still managed to walk it off.
•When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.
If you can see Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you're already dead...
•There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
•Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
•Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
•In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
•When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
•Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
•Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
•When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
•Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
•Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
•Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
•Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
•If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen
•There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
•Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
•Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
•Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
•When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
•Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
•Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.
•Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.
•Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
•Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
•Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
•If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
•Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.
•Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
•Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
•Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
•Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
•Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
•Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
•Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
•Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.
•If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
•Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
•There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.
•Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
•Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.
•Chuck Norris has never had a surprise birthday party. He can NEVER be surprised. EVER.
•Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.
•Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident....and still managed to walk it off.
•When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.
If you can see Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you're already dead...
Intr-o parcare, o femeie care se grabea catre masina ei, vede o alta masina fara sofer, care incepe brusc sa mearga. Foarte constienta de primejdie, femeia deschide usa, sare in masina, si trage frana de mana. Cand iese vede un barbat langa masina.
- Mergea, dar am oprit-o - spune femeia mandra.
- Stiu, raspunde barbatul, eu o impingeam.
- Mergea, dar am oprit-o - spune femeia mandra.
- Stiu, raspunde barbatul, eu o impingeam.
Tatal catre fiu: ?n Spania sau Italia n-ai vrut, fotbal nu joci....
Atunci du-te la facultate, nenorocitule, sa ne r?da toata lumea!
Un tip abordeaza o tipa pe strada:
- Domnisoara, daca v-as oferi un milion de euro, v-ati culca cu mine?
- Da, bine?nteles!
- Dar daca v-as oferi cinci euro?
- Vai domnule, dar ce fel de femeie credeti ca sunt?
- Asta am stabilit mai devreme, acum negociam pretul...
Atunci du-te la facultate, nenorocitule, sa ne r?da toata lumea!
Un tip abordeaza o tipa pe strada:
- Domnisoara, daca v-as oferi un milion de euro, v-ati culca cu mine?
- Da, bine?nteles!
- Dar daca v-as oferi cinci euro?
- Vai domnule, dar ce fel de femeie credeti ca sunt?
- Asta am stabilit mai devreme, acum negociam pretul...
QUOTE (andrei)Intr-o parcare, o femeie care se grabea catre masina ei, vede o alta masina fara sofer, care incepe brusc sa mearga. Foarte constienta de primejdie, femeia deschide usa, sare in masina, si trage frana de mana. Cand iese vede un barbat langa masina.
- Mergea, dar am oprit-o - spune femeia mandra.
- Stiu, raspunde barbatul, eu o impingeam.
si ai lasat-o sa plece ?
- Mergea, dar am oprit-o - spune femeia mandra.
- Stiu, raspunde barbatul, eu o impingeam.
si ai lasat-o sa plece ?
Veverita lipseste o noapte intreaga de acasa. A doua zi vine toata smotocita, cu blana jumulita, vai de ea.
- Ce s-a intamplat? o intreaba sotul.
- Pai m-a prins bursucul, m-a dus la el acasa si 3 zile m-a bursucit intruna.
- Dar tu lipsesti doar de o zi!
- Pai am venit numai sa ma schimb si ma intorc.
- Ce s-a intamplat? o intreaba sotul.
- Pai m-a prins bursucul, m-a dus la el acasa si 3 zile m-a bursucit intruna.
- Dar tu lipsesti doar de o zi!
- Pai am venit numai sa ma schimb si ma intorc.
Dupa decolarea cursei de pasageri ,un terorist anunta echipajul:"Din
momentul asta , daca vreti sa scapati cu viata, faceti exact ce va spun
eu. Deviati cursul si aterizati la Bagdad".
-Incearca altadata, azi nu se poate ;vine un raspuns plictisit de la un pilot.
-Voi doi sunteti tampiti? Asta-i un pistol adevarat, cu gloante dum-dum! zice brunetul si trage un glont in tavan.
-Bine te credem, dar tot nu te putem ajuta azi.
-Bre! Allah o sa va trimita in iad, nu pricepeti? Nu aveti familii care va asteapta acasa, intreba individul turbat de furie.
-Avem si familii, dar tot nu mergem la Bagdad, raspunde celalalt pilot.
Exasperat, cu pistolul indreptat spre piloti, arabul intreaba:
-De ce nu vreti !!??!!
-Mai e unul in spate cu bomba, si ala vrea la Kabul.
momentul asta , daca vreti sa scapati cu viata, faceti exact ce va spun
eu. Deviati cursul si aterizati la Bagdad".
-Incearca altadata, azi nu se poate ;vine un raspuns plictisit de la un pilot.
-Voi doi sunteti tampiti? Asta-i un pistol adevarat, cu gloante dum-dum! zice brunetul si trage un glont in tavan.
-Bine te credem, dar tot nu te putem ajuta azi.
-Bre! Allah o sa va trimita in iad, nu pricepeti? Nu aveti familii care va asteapta acasa, intreba individul turbat de furie.
-Avem si familii, dar tot nu mergem la Bagdad, raspunde celalalt pilot.
Exasperat, cu pistolul indreptat spre piloti, arabul intreaba:
-De ce nu vreti !!??!!
-Mai e unul in spate cu bomba, si ala vrea la Kabul.
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